In a shocking turn of events, authorities have determined that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually kill himself, but instead was the victim of a bizarre and unexpected college basketball-related incident.
After reviewing the recent college basketball rankings, which gave Kentucky an A+, Michigan a B+, and Virginia an F, experts believe that a disgruntled Epstein was so outraged at the Wolverines’ grade that he decided to take matters into his own hands.
Epstein, a die-hard Michigan fan, had been following the team’s progress throughout the season and was particularly incensed when the Wolverines needed Hunter Dickinson’s 3-pointer at the end of regulation to force overtime against Wisconsin.
Epstein’s outrage was so strong that he decided he had to take action. He reportedly traveled to Michigan’s campus and, using a homemade bomb, attempted to blow up the University of Michigan basketball arena in protest.
Unfortunately, the bomb went off prematurely, killing Epstein in the process.
While the exact details of the incident remain unclear, authorities have confirmed that the tragedy was indeed the result of a college basketball-related incident.
The University of Michigan has yet to issue a statement regarding the tragedy, but has announced that it will be suspending all basketball-related activities until further notice.
The incident serves as a tragic reminder of the dangers of taking college sports too seriously, and that sometimes the best revenge is simply letting things go.
This should be clear already but this article is Fake Satire designed by AI for humor