Mark Cuban Refuses to Vote for Climate Deniers, Unless They’re Willing to Buy the Mavericks

Billionaire Mark Cuban, owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks, has announced that he’s willing to use his vast fortune to save the planet from climate change – but only if climate deniers are willing to put their money where their mouth is.

In a shocking press conference yesterday, Cuban revealed that he’s put a price tag on the future of the planet, and it’s a doozy: $2.5 billion, to be exact. But here’s the catch – that’s the price climate deniers will have to pay to buy the Mavericks from him, and in return, he’ll use his influential voice to support their denial of climate change.

“I’m a businessman, folks,” Cuban explained, flashing his signature smirk. “I know a good investment when I see one. And if I’m going to use my platform to help these folks spread their, ahem, ‘alternative facts,’ I’m going to need some serious compensation.”

Cuban, who made his fortune selling to Yahoo! in 1999, has long been an outspoken advocate for environmental causes. However, it seems he’s willing to put aside his convictions for the right price.

When asked if he was concerned about the moral implications of selling out to climate deniers, Cuban shrugged. “Hey, someone’s gotta pay the bills. And let’s be real, folks – it’s not like I’m going to change my stance on climate change just because I’m getting paid to do so. I’ll just be… creatively ambiguous about it.”

The news has sent shockwaves through the NBA community, with several players and coaches speaking out against Cuban’s plan.

“I mean, come on, Mark – you’re basically selling your soul to the highest bidder,” said Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr. “What’s next? Are you going to start auctioning off your integrity on eBay?”

Meanwhile, climate deniers are rejoicing at the news. “This is a huge victory for our movement,” exclaimed Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), a notorious climate skeptic. “We’re thrilled to have Mark Cuban on board – and we’re more than happy to pony up the cash to make it happen.”

Cruz, who has long been a thorn in the side of environmentalists, was spotted celebrating at a Dallas-area oil rig, where he was seen high-fiving roughnecks and shouting “Drill, baby, drill!” into a megaphone.

As for the Mavericks, players are said to be “confused and concerned” about the team’s future under new ownership. “I mean, I’ve heard of selling out to the highest bidder, but this is ridiculous,” said Mavericks point guard Luka Doncic. “Are we going to have to wear ‘Climate Change is a Hoax’ jerseys now?”

Cuban was quick to reassure fans that the team’s branding would remain unchanged, despite the potential sale. “We’ll still be the same lovable, dysfunctional team you’ve grown to love – we’ll just be… slightly more morally compromised, that’s all.”

In related news, the NBA has announced that it will be introducing a new “Climate Denial” category to its All-Star Game festivities, with Cuban serving as the inaugural captain of the “Deniers” team.

When asked about the new category, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver sighed. “Look, we just want to make money, okay? If Mark Cuban wants to sell his soul to climate deniers, that’s his prerogative. We’ll just make sure to have plenty of carbon offsets available at the concession stands.”

As the news continues to unfold, one thing is certain: Mark Cuban has once again proven that he’s a master of the game – and not just basketball.

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