Rochester Hills Shooting Spree: County’s Morbid Tradition of Violence Continues, Death Penalty Still Not Scaring Anyone

It’s that time again, folks! Another day, another shooting spree in Rochester Hills, Michigan, because why settle for just one when you can have a whole bunch? And who needs a witness protection program when you can just have a witness-filled morgue?

This latest incident, which left nine people injured, including children, brings the total number of people traumatized by gun violence in this county to, oh, a whole lot. And to think, it’s only been three whole years since the Oxford High School shooting. Coincidence? We think not!

But don’t worry, the good people of Rochester Hills are taking it all in stride. I mean, what’s a little chaos and carnage when you’re trying to get your morning coffee and navigate the streets? It’s like a fun little obstacle course, right? “Oh, look, a shooting! Who needs to wait in line for a latte when you can just grab a bulletproof vest and go?”

And don’t even get us started on the people who are just, like, meh about it all. You know, the ones who are all, “Eh, violence is just a part of life, folks. What’s a little bloodshed when you’re trying to get to work on time?” Sounds like a real party crowd, am I right?

But seriously, what’s going on in this county? Is it the water? The air? The lack of decent donut shops? We’re not sure, but we do know that the death penalty isn’t exactly what you’d call a deterrent. I mean, if anything, it’s more like a “Hey, I’m gonna shoot someone, just to see if I can get away with it!” kind of vibe.

And don’t even get us started on the parents. I mean, seriously, what are they teaching their kids at home? “Hey, honey, remember those basic human rights you learned in school? Yeah, forget all about those. Just go ahead and grab a gun and…oops, wait, no, not that one. How about this one instead?” Yeah, that’s not a thing at all.

But hey, at least the kids will have some great story ideas for their college apps. “Hey, Mrs. Admissions Committee, I know I may not have gotten straight As or even passed my math test, but I did get shot in a school shooting, so…you know, that’s gotta count for something, right?”

And the best part? The mayor of Rochester Hills is all, “Oh, we need more community outreach!” But honestly, folks, when you’re up to your eyeballs in bullet holes and trauma, community outreach is just code for “Let’s all just hold hands and sing Kumbaya until the pain goes away.” I mean, who needs actual solutions when you can just…wait for it…OUTREACH?!

So, there you have it, folks. Rochester Hills: where the only thing more plentiful than the gunfire is the apathy. Stay safe out there, and remember: if you’re ever in Rochester Hills and someone says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s just a little shooting,” just grab your sunscreen and your sense of humor, and…you know, wing it.

PSA: This article is 100% fake satire courtesy of our AI overlords for your amusement.

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