In a shocking move, President Joe Biden declared a national emergency yesterday after receiving the devastating news that Mookie Betts was out for the season with an unfortunate case of “I-can’t-believe-he’s-out-itis.”
The sudden declaration sent shockwaves throughout the nation, with many wondering what exactly constitutes a national emergency that requires the President’s immediate attention. According to sources, the President was seen frantically pacing around the White House, muttering something about “the fate of the nation hanging in the balance” and “the very fabric of reality unraveling before our eyes.”
Meanwhile, Shohei Ohtani and Tyler Glasnow were forced to step in and fill the gaping hole left by Betts’ absence. The duo, known for their impressive skills on the diamond, were seen struggling to cope with the weight of their new responsibilities.
“I never thought I’d be asked to carry the weight of an entire team on my shoulders, let alone the nation,” Ohtani said in a press conference. “I mean, I’ve faced some tough opponents in my time, but this is a whole different story. I’m just trying to do my part and not let the country down.”
Glasnow added, “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I’m up for the challenge. I mean, I’ve thrown seven shutout innings before, so I figure why not eight shutout innings? Or nine? Or… well, you get the idea.”
As the nation teeters on the brink of collapse, citizens are advised to remain calm and carry on. In the meantime, Ohtani and Glasnow will continue to do their best to keep the Dodgers afloat and the country safe from the impending doom of Mookie Betts’ absence.
In related news, the National Emergency Hotline has been flooded with calls from concerned citizens asking what exactly constitutes a national emergency that requires the President’s immediate attention. The answer, according to sources, is that the President will only declare a national emergency if someone, anyone, can make a decent cup of coffee.
In response to the crisis, the White House has announced a special task force dedicated to addressing the nation’s coffee crisis. The task force, led by none other than Dr. Fauci, is tasked with finding a solution to the age-old problem of lukewarm coffee.
As the country waits with bated breath for the task force’s findings, Ohtani and Glasnow will continue to do their thing, trying to keep the Dodgers afloat and the nation safe from the impending doom of Mookie Betts’ absence.
In other news, the Mookie Betts Fan Club has been flooded with messages of support from fans around the world. Meanwhile, the Mookie Betts Haters Club has been flooded with messages of, well, hate.
And in a shocking turn of events, it was announced that the Mookie Betts Injury Tracker has been hacked. The perpetrator, known only as “Hacky McHackface,” claimed responsibility for the hack, saying, “I did it for the lulz, man. I mean, who doesn’t love a good injury tracker hack?”
As the nation reels from the news, Ohtani and Glasnow will continue to do their best to keep the Dodgers afloat and the country safe from the impending doom of Mookie Betts’ absence.
In related news, the National Emergency Hotline has been flooded with calls from concerned citizens asking what exactly constitutes a national emergency that requires the President’s immediate attention. The answer, according to sources, is that the President will only declare a national emergency if someone, anyone, can make a decent cup of coffee.
In response to the crisis, the White House has announced a special task force dedicated to addressing the nation’s coffee crisis. The task force, led by none other than Dr. Fauci, is tasked with finding a solution to the age-old problem of lukewarm coffee.
As the country waits with bated breath for the task force’s findings, Ohtani and Glasnow will continue to do their thing, trying to keep the Dodgers afloat and the nation safe from the impending doom of Mookie Betts’ absence.
In other news, the Mookie Betts Fan Club has been flooded with messages of support from fans around the world. Meanwhile, the Mookie Betts Haters Club has been flooded with messages of, well, hate.
And in a shocking turn of events, it was announced that the Mookie Betts Injury Tracker has been hacked. The perpetrator, known only as “Hacky McHackface,” claimed responsibility for the hack, saying, “I did it for the lulz, man. I mean, who doesn’t love a good injury tracker hack?”
As the nation reels from the news, Ohtani and Glasnow will continue to do their best to keep the Dodgers afloat and the nation safe from the impending doom of Mookie Betts’ absence.
Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story, which may or may not be a total fabrication.
PSA: This article is 100% fake satire courtesy of our AI overlords for your amusement.
