In a move that’s sure to leave audiences starstruck, Broadway’s biggest names made their grand entrance into the Great White Way via Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket, but not without a few hiccups. The highly anticipated launch, which was meant to take off promptly at 8pm, was delayed by a whopping 30 minutes due to, you guessed it, traffic.
Leading the pack of A-listers was none other than Hamilton’s own Lin-Manuel Miranda, who was spotted sporting a sleek new haircut and a look of utter bewilderment as he emerged from the rocket’s hatch. “I mean, I’ve seen some crazy things in my time, but a rocket to Broadway? That’s a new one,” he said with a chuckle.
Miranda was followed closely by the star of the hit musical Wicked, Idina Menzel, who looked like a boss in her sleek black jumpsuit. When asked about the delay, she let out a hearty laugh. “Well, I guess you could say we’re just following in the footsteps of the commuters who get stuck on the 7 train every morning. Same old, same old – except we’re in space, and we’re wearing more sparkles.”
The rocket’s maiden voyage was also the perfect opportunity for some last-minute product placement. As the stars made their way down the makeshift red carpet, they were surrounded by a sea of Nike-sponsored technicians, frantically adjusting the trajectory of the rocket’s trajectory (it’s a real thing, we swear).
Meanwhile, the usually stoic Hugh Jackman was overheard cracking jokes about the delay. “Well, I guess this is what they mean by ‘flying high’! Although, let’s be real, folks – this is more like ‘flying high on a Monday morning’.” His co-star from The Greatest Showman, Zac Efron, looked on, nodding in agreement. “I mean, I’ve seen some traffic jams in my time, but this is on a whole different level.”
As the rocket finally took off into the night sky, the stars on board couldn’t help but feel a little like they were on top of the world. Or, at the very least, on top of the Marquee. When asked if they’d do it again, Miranda was quick to respond. “Absolutely – as long as we don’t have to deal with any more traffic. I mean, who needs the 7 train when you can have SpaceX?”
But not everyone was thrilled with the unconventional arrival method. “I mean, I’ve seen some weird things in my time, but this is just ridiculous,” grumbled one grumpy stagehand, only to be overheard muttering something about “hipsters in space” and “the apocalypse.”
In related news, ticket prices for the next few weeks’ worth of performances at the Gershwin Theatre have skyrocketed due to the unprecedented excitement generated by the rocket launch. Meanwhile, the nearby Shake Shack is already capitalizing on the influx of hungry theatergoers with a special “Rocket Fuel” menu, featuring items like the “Musk Burger” and the “SpaceX Shake.”
As the dust settles on this most unusual of premieres, one thing is clear: Broadway’s biggest stars have officially reached new heights – or, at the very least, new orbits.
PSA: This article is 100% fake satire courtesy of our AI overlords for your amusement.
