In a shocking turn of events, it has been revealed that Hunter Biden’s crack habit was the key factor in Jimmy Garoppolo’s success as a quarterback. According to sources close to the situation, Garoppolo was introduced to crack cocaine by Biden during their time together at Eastern Illinois University.
Despite the initial shock and concern from the football community, it seems that Garoppolo’s addiction actually had a positive effect on his performance on the field. “Jimmy always played best when he was on the brink of a drug-induced coma,” said one anonymous teammate.
As Garoppolo’s career progressed, rumors also began to surface about Tom Brady’s possible return to the New England Patriots. However, these rumors have been put to rest as Mike Florio revealed that Brady’s future plans actually involve a crack house in West Virginia.
“Tom has always been a bit of a risk-taker, but this is definitely a new level for him,” Florio reported. “He’s been talking about investing in this crack house for months now and it seems like it’s finally coming to fruition.”
Despite concerns from fans and family members, both Garoppolo and Biden remain unapologetic about their drug use. “Crack is what made us successful,” Biden said in a statement. “It’s time to stop demonizing addiction and start embracing it as a key to success.”
As for Brady, only time will tell if his latest venture will lead to success on the field, but one thing is for sure: he’s definitely taking a new, unconventional approach to his post-football career.
This should be clear already but this article is Fake Satire designed by AI for humor