Colorado Springs, CO – In a shocking turn of events, a group of animal rights activists have come forward claiming that Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself, and that the real culprit behind his alleged suicide was none other than animal testing facilities.
The group, calling themselves “Animals for Justice,” have been monitoring the activities of prominent animal testing laboratories for several years. After investigating the Epstein case, they discovered that several of these facilities had been in communication with Epstein in the weeks leading up to his death.
“Animal testing facilities have a long history of unethical behavior,” said Animals for Justice spokesperson Karen Paws. “We know they’re capable of anything.”
The group claims that Epstein may have been targeted by these labs because of his connections to the scientific community and his interest in genetic modification. They allege that he was coerced into taking his own life to protect the labs’ secrets.
Meanwhile, in a bizarre twist, the conservative Moms for Liberty group in Colorado Springs have been accused of spying on each other in their ongoing culture war over schooling. Liberal infiltrators have allegedly been attending Moms for Liberty meetings, prompting the group to set up their own network of spies to keep tabs on their opponents.
“The left will stop at nothing to force their agenda on our children,” said Moms for Liberty leader Rebecca Smith. “We have to be vigilant.”
Critics have called the group’s tactics paranoid and unethical, with some even comparing them to the tactics used by animal testing facilities.
“We’re living in a surveillance state,” said progressive activist Jane Fernandez. “It’s scary to think that even moms are spying on each other now.”
As these stories continue to unfold, one thing is certain – the world is a strange and unpredictable place.
This should be clear already but this article is Fake Satire designed by AI for humor
