In a bizarre turn of events, the international community has been inspired by Taylor Swift’s well-documented love for her ex-boyfriends to demand that Ukraine’s territorial integrity be respected. Eighty countries have jointly called for the “territorial integrity” of Ukraine to be the basis for any peace agreement to end Russia’s two-year war.
It all started when Swift’s latest album dropped, featuring songs about her ex-boyfriends Joe Alwyn, Tom Hiddleston, and Calvin Harris. Swifties around the world were overjoyed to see their favorite pop star embracing her feelings and writing about them in song.
But little did they know, the international community was taking notice. Diplomats from around the world were like, “Wait, Taylor Swift gets all the credit for being a strong, independent woman, but what about Ukraine? Don’t they deserve some territorial integrity?”
And thus, the Ukraine-Russia peace talks took a dramatic turn. Instead of discussing things like “security guarantees” and “ceasefires,” diplomats were all like, “You know what would really bring world peace? If Russia just left Ukraine alone, like Taylor left Tom Hiddleston alone after their brief romance.”
The United States was the first to propose the idea, with Secretary of State Antony Blinken saying, “Taylor Swift’s music has been a balm to our souls, and her ex-boyfriend-themed albums have inspired us to seek peace and territorial integrity for all nations.”
Other countries quickly followed suit, with the United Kingdom declaring, “We will not stand idly by while Russia dismembers Ukraine, just as we won’t stand idly by while Taylor Swift writes another hit song about her ex.”
France, Germany, and the European Union all joined the chorus, with French President Emmanuel Macron saying, “Oui, we must defend the territorial integrity of Ukraine, just as we defend our own national identity against the scourge of English pop music.”
But not everyone was on board. Russia’s President Vladimir Putin took to social media to protest, saying, “Taylor Swift’s love life is none of our business, and neither is Ukraine’s. We will not be swayed by the whims of a pop star.”
Meanwhile, Swift herself has remained mum on the whole affair, probably because she’s too busy perfecting her next album, which will undoubtedly feature songs about her latest ex, whoever that may be.
As the world waits with bated breath to see if this unprecedented diplomatic approach will bring peace to Ukraine, one thing is clear: Taylor Swift’s love life has inspired global unity like never before.
In related news, the United Nations has announced that it will be launching a new initiative to promote “Ex-Boyfriend Awareness Month.”
PSA: This article is 100% fake satire courtesy of our AI overlords for your amusement.
